We are all products of our childhoods: Our families and relationships, the culture we absorbed, our education at school, our teachers, our friends, and most importantly, our experiences. Some of these experiences left behind negative imprints that harmed our self-confidence, and that continue to impact us negatively to this day. Many of us are still trapped in painful past memories that have a strong impact on our actions.
The question is: what do we choose to do with our “faults” or “imperfections”? I’ve never met a single person who didn’t suffer from low self-confidence in at least one area. Our faults allow us to grow and look deep into ourselves and ask: “What can we learn from this? What lesson can we take away from this experience?”
Let’s use the example of two friends.
Two friends grow up in similar homes from cultural and socio-economic perspectives, but opposite in regards to the relationships they have with their parents.
First, we’ll look at the girl who grew up in a home where her parents didn’t pay her much attention (her needs and wants) as they were preoccupied with themselves. Therefore, she grew up feeling unloved and lacking in self-confidence. The girl can develop in one of the following ways:
- She can grow up to be egotistical, only caring about herself.
- She can grow up to be altruistic and to always search for love and approval from the outside. She can be the type that doesn’t say “no” and doesn’t create boundaries.
- She can decide that her past doesn’t define her anymore and that she can choose to love herself first and put her needs first. She chooses to be good to those around her (but not so good that she forgets about herself), and she establishes boundaries where necessary. Usually, this can only happen after she has gone through therapy and knows how to deal with the demons left behind from her childhood experiences.
In the first scenario, the girl only thinks about herself, and therefore, she ignores all those around her.
In the second scenario, the girl only thinks about others, and therefore, she ignores herself. Everything happens at her expense. She runs out of steam and is likely to develop an autoimmune disease as she hurts herself internally. In both scenarios, she misses out on a human experience. Spiritually, there needs to be a balance between giving and receiving. The best scenario is the third one; somewhere in the middle: to have space for yourself and for others (the Rambam’s golden rule).
Now let’s look at a girl who grew up with caring and worried parents who were on the verge of being considered “suffocating”. They don’t allow her to make her own decisions. She grew up lacking self-confidence just like the other girl and she doesn’t trust herself. She always stays within her comfort zone because she is scared of failure.
The girl in the first story decides that she will succeed on her own (because her slogan is “if I don’t have myself who will be there for me”). She wants to feel significant and loved and she does whatever she can to feel this way. She tries to cover her lack of self-confidence by doing too much.
Both these girls lack self-confidence. One tries to cover it by doing too much and the other one loses herself in depression.
Who Grows Up With a Healthy Dose of Self-confidence?
The minority of people who grew up with caring parents who gave a lot of love as well as normal boundaries, served as a personal example, and pushed their children in the direction of their strengths. They knew how to empower their children, to praise them, and in other situations, they also knew how to establish boundaries if necessary (I don’t like the word punish).
These children grew up with unconditional love, with the clear knowledge that they are supported and who supports them, and on the other hand, they are given the freedom to believe in themselves, to trust in themselves, and to work towards their dreams. It is difficult to fall in the middle of the golden path, and it is so important for our children and for ourselves to make an effort to be in that place.
