Couples counseling, like any coaching, is based on identifying the difficulties in the relationship, establishing clear outcomes, and building a program to reach those outcomes. The process is short, and focuses on the here and now, and on finding fast solutions for serious problems.
During couple’s counseling, the couple acquires skills to help them practice open lines of communication which allows them to improve their relationship.
The best time to seek counseling is when the arguments aren’t “too serious”, and when there is time and a desire to engage in intense work towards the relationship. The goal is to solve the fears, pain, and the feeling of being stuck many people feel from childhood. Lots of people enter into marriage with hidden personal baggage (subconscious), and this can lead to friction within the relationship.
Ideally, every couple that begins to experience small hardships or disagreements should turn to a couples’ counselor before they become big problems. Problems don’t solve themselves, and the longer they are repressed or ignored, they become stronger. I recommend not waiting until the relationship deteriorates, rather seek counseling in the early stages when you start noticing changes.
If you crossed each other’s red lines (cheating, swearing, emotional/physical abuse, etc…) and you feel lost in the relationship, couple’s counseling can really help you. A referral to SOS is often suitable for couples seeking coaching as it allows each partner private sessions, as well as creates an easier atmosphere in which one can remain calm.
Additionally, it is important that every couple goes for separate couple’s counseling prior to the wedding. The more connected each partner is to himself/herself, the more intimate you will be within your relationship, you will be able to express yourself more considerately, and you will not fear confrontation with your partner. The idea behind premarital counseling is that each partner should solve the root of his or her problems before entering the marriage.
In general, couples counseling is highly recommended for couples prior to marriage, during the marriage, and for couples in the midst of a separation, or going through a divorce.
Couple’s Contract
When couples get married, they believe with all their hearts that they are making the right decision and that they will be able to deal with any problems along the way. In one person’s lifetime, so many variables change, and no one knows what challenges will come their way. Therefore, we cannot predict the future of a relationship. The moment children are born, all the rules of the game change, and so too does the relationship. No one knows how their children will turn out and how they will impact a relationship. There are easy children, babies that sleep through the night, eat, smile, and make life easy for their parents. There are babies who don’t sleep at night, scream without end, are always sick, and don’t let their parents rest. Furthermore, no one can predict how babies will develop as they grow up.
Therefore, it is important to create a strong and stable basis for your relationship before having children. One of the most important ideas to understand for success in any marriage is that each partner learns different behavior patterns from his or her childhood. Some come from different backgrounds, from different cultures, and with different worldviews. This can cause arguments and disagreements within the marriage. It is important to understand that as a couple, you need to create your own shared pattern that is an amalgamation of each of your own (and not a pattern of just one partner).
In order to achieve this, couples should create a couple’s contract in which they outline in writing their shared pattern:
- Understand each other’s expectations and set responsibilities
- Daily home management
- Taking care of children and the house
- Family life
- Social life
- Work-Life balance
And anything else that is necessary to prevent friction in the moment. The more rules you set out in advance, the easier it will be to manage your relationship and remove unnecessary arguments.